Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Thoughts | Failure & Pride

Do you ever have those weeks where God seems to keep trying to hammer the same thing into your head over and over?

That's been my deal the past few days. And it hasn't been fun. I'm so prideful. I don't ever want to admit that I'm wrong, or that I've failed. Failure is the WORST.

That seems to be something else that has followed me around this week. Failure. You see, I decided to participate in Lent this year. My first year, ever. I wanted to make a sacrifice in my life so that I might know Jesus better. So, I made a commitment.

I committed to waking up an hour earlier than usual in the mornings, and to spend that hour reading my Bible, praying, and listening to the Lord. Well, I think for it to be a commitment, you actually have to do it. So, maybe I didn't make a commitment. Really, I made an empty promise because I've only actually done it once. In two whole weeks. Once. And believe me, it hurts to admit that.

Now of course, I had plenty of excuses - my parents were in town, I don't want to wake my parents. We got a puppy, I don't want to wake the puppy. I don't want to disturb my husband, I picked something hard, the list continues. But that is exactly what they are - excuses. Excuses for why I failed. But I don't want to sit back and make excuses. I have to accept responsibility for my own actions.

In reality, I didn't want to wake up. That's the truth of it. My alarm would go off, already disturbing my husband (there goes that excuse!), then I would snooze it until I actually had to get up and get ready. Then after I was showered, dressed, make-uped, and fed, I would sit down with my Bible for the 20 minutes I had before I left for work.

No change to my schedule, no sacrifice, no extra time with my Savior. Failure.

And you know, I haven't wanted to admit that I'd failed. My pride wouldn't let me. I've just been sitting back and hoping the problem would solve itself. And that's what God's been hammering over and over into my thick skull. What's more important - my pride or my relationship with Him? To be honest, my pride has been winning out.

But no longer. I'm done allowing my pride to control me. I'm done hiding my own weakness and failure. I'm done sitting back and waiting to be saved. I'm repenting of my pride and I'm going to arm myself with His strength, and with His grace and wage some war on my own laziness and apathy.

Tomorrow is another day to wake up and fight again.

Lord, help me. Please, create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me.

So, if you find yourself in the same spot, battling your pride or failure, know you aren't alone. Repent, and try again. It's hard, but keep fighting. And know that God's grace is so much bigger than your weakness.

Also, a huge thank you to Amy for her inspiring thoughts. This post really woke me up. Thank you.

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